My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
