apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
