can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
