It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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