Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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