So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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