I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
