Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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