Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Randomize
