I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
