I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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