You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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