You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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