He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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