I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize