True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
