i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
