when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
