I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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