good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Never underestimate the power of titties
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
