I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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