I should be sponsored by Trojan
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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