Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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