do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
