if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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