I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
