Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
