i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
