I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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