My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
