and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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