here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Ketchup is God's man juice
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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