Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
