It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
wow bdsm is so cute
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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