i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
