Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
