dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize