sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
