He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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