He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
