Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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