Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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