You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
