I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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