Don't make out with my wife yet
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize