Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
