My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
