if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
