i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize