The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
