my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
