Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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