guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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