remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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