I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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