If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We have started to decorate penises.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
