I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize