i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
