Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
this hospital has no fireball
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
