You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
