You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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