Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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